FREEDOM

I'm free.

Many months before I found out I was pregnant with JP in September 2008, I started taking prenatal vitamins. I cut down on Diet Coke; I avoided raw fish and alcohol; I stopped being crazy about exercise. I prayed that God would help me become a more healthy vessel. Of course, once I became pregnant I changed my ways even more ... no unpasteurized cheeses; no cold meats; no diet, fat free, or unnatural labels. I analyzed every morsel of food put into my mouth and every workout routine I endured. And so it continued during my breastfeeding days with JP ... which, ahem, led directly into my pregnancy with AA ... and then my breastfeeding days with AA. I nursed AA for the last time this week. So after a 3+ year hiatus, I am free.

No longer will I feel guilty when I have a cup of coffee in the morning (or two!) . I will go days without even thinking of a green vegetable. I will eat Baked Lays and Chobani Greek Yogurt. I will ask for the hot salsa at Chipotle without worrying how this will impact my baby. I will drink red wine and beer and a diet caffeinated soda with extra carbonation and not worry about baby brains or baby bellies! I will run 3 miles without staying well hydrated. I will dye my hair and whiten my teeth and take Advil without any guilt. I won't need to stay behind in the heated car nursing while A takes JP into a store during long car rides. I won't be hiding out in AA's nursery every four hours while company is over. No longer do I need to stress about finding time to pump between patients at work. I will enjoy the extra ten minutes at night as I no longer need to wash and sterilize all of my pumping paraphernalia. I am free.

But.

With my new found freedom, I carry a bag of new emotions. My babies are growing. My personal sacrifices actually never felt like difficult sacrifices at all ... they were simply maternal instinct. Most of my actions and choices were made without significant contemplation. I wouldn't trade my pregnancies ... or breastfeeding my babes for nearly the entire first year of their lives ... for anything in the whole world. The time went by too quickly ... and I'm already longing for those early days! My beautiful daughter would rather feed a small bottle to her baby than nurse from me!